Trick? . . . or Treat!

When asked to write about what makes the best halloween candy, or "treats" as it were, that's easy. Of course the nice middle aged people whose kids are grown and have plenty of money left over after stuffing their IRAs have huge brimming baskets of quality chocolate items such as 3 musketeers, butterfingers, and almond joys (what kids eat almonds AND coconut?!). Those are the best houses. And when the plastic pumpkin gets too full or too heavy, the parent must lighten the load and polish off at least three reese's cups or maybe some starburst.

If you actually have kids there is the dilema of whether to accompany your kids or stay home and pass out candy. Both activities have benefits and drawbacks. Going out with the kiddies is fun, until your 3 year old becomes literally paralyzed with fear and you have to maneuver the stroller and hold a small child and hold the candy and approach the front door. Then folks start getting tired and cry and all that business, and you start to cuss your smarter half who is at home watching CSI, ALONE in SILENCE until the idling busted muffler and car door slam. Voices approach, was that a cuss word? Door bell rings ferociously. Open the door. There is an assortment of people mostly under the age of 16, but it's hard to tell, holding kroger bags open and staring at you. "Am I being robbed?" Your middle class mores are challenged. "Shouldn't they at least say 'Trick or treat'?" Usually these kids have no costumes or maybe the littlest one has something adorable on like a Freddy Krueger get up or the charming bloody scream mask.And every year I think the same thing, "Halloween costumes are not that expensive and you can still make one even cheaper." So what's the deal? Is this one of those let's get back at the white folks, or the big city folks or whatever, and their uptight asses. We'll go get free candy. So, I usually end up getting the bargain bag of candy full of tootsie rolls and smarties. If quality chocolate comes into this house, the grown ups get first dibs. Besides, too much candy gives kids cavities and what kind of parent would sanction that?

The thing I must sanction as a parent is full Halloween acknowledgement. It is not harvest festival; we are not going to the freakin' Trunk or Treat in the mega church parking lot. (Whatchu gonna do with all that junk in yo trunk?) This is glorious Halloween. Time for devils and good ol' witches and all that stuff. You can't get all pleasant about Easter with its fertility invoking colored eggs, horny bunnies, and bounty of chicks without paying tribute to the inevitability and horror of death, as the nights grow longer and chillier and the moon stares down from its widow's veil. Just pray that it's not too chilly because nothing sucks more than having to wear a coat over your Halloween costume.